Memory Lane

I was driving back from Connecticut today and took a very inefficient route. By "inefficient" I mean that instead of going from Connecticut to home, I went Connecticut... through the Bronx, along the West side of Manhattan, through Harlem, THEN into Queens. Oh, and did I mention that this was all between the times of 11:30-12:00 pm?

As I was driving, both through the Bronx and Harlem, I thought to myself, "This is not somewhere that a single white female should be driving in the middle of the night." But, the funny thing about that is I have spent extensive amounts of time in each of these places. I worked near the area in the Bronx where I was driving. In Harlem, I earned my masters. My second apartment in New York was at the edge of Harlem, so I was constantly on the buses running along 125th St. So, essentially, during my first years in New York, school, work, and home were all in these "scary" areas. Funny though... when I was regularly in these areas, not knowing enough to be afraid, I never had a single problem. I never even felt afraid. But now that I'm not regularly there, to see the reality of what goes on there and some of the beautiful moments shared among real people, I'm afraid. But of what? Those people who used to be my neighbors, coworkers and students? Or just of unknown and different? That is probably it.

How unfortunate.

Grumpy

Yeah, I'm grumpy today. I have a legitimate reason though. Okay, remember back when I got my breathing machine and I thought it was like the worst thing in the world and I totally hated having to use it? Well, then I went away for a month to Venezuela, and I didn't bring it. Wow. What a difference. My thoughts were swimmy, I was falling asleep everywhere, and I had a really hard time concentrating. I couldn't wait to have it and use it again! Remember, I was falling asleep at least 5 times a day before I had it.

Well, since I have been back though, I take it off in the middle of the night. I thought that it was because I had a hacking cough when I first came back, and I can't cough with it on. But I don't have a cough anymore and I still do it... every single night. I'm really starting to feel it too. So, I went back in to the doctor and I told him. He said that maybe it is annoying me, so he gave me a different type of face piece that goes sort of into my nose instead of the cup that goes over it. This is more like an oxygen tube with a larger diameter. I was so excited about it. Last night I couldnt wait to go to sleep!! But then, at 3 am, I took it off. How do I know it was 3 am? Well, when I first began the removal process, I would take off the mask, turn off the machine, and never remember a thing. Then I began to remember turning off the machine... followed by remembering unhooking the face piece. And now, I have progressed to a new level where I took it off, AND remembered that I always wonder what time I take it off at, so I checked my watch. But yet, I didn't tell myself to put it back on!!!!! GRRR!!!!

I don't know what else to do. I'm like a drug addict or something that wants to quit but physically can't. I have tried reading before bed, stretching, drinking more water, drinking less water, wearing my retainer, not wearing my retainer, sleeping with a stuffed animal... I just keep taking it off. The only other thing I can think of is that maybe the air level isn't right anymore. Still.... Im going to South America in four days and Im barely lucid. UGH!!! Can someone please come watch me sleep and slap my hands away?

I need a nap now.

Following Arzhang's lead...

You are a Social Conservative (38% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (20% permissive) You are best described as a: Totalitarian Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

How to facilitate adaptation...

There is one thing I do not know how to help my new teachers with - adaptation. I do not mean to the schedule or the work or anything, but to the 9,000 emotions and thoughts that you just don't have to deal with when you aren't working in difficult schools.

So, since half of my readers are med students (or really, student), and the other half is my mother, who has a fair amount of memories of me going through the same thing, I decided to put this out there and ask for suggestions.

Here's what I think is the situation.... You come into a school wanting to help, to improve kids' lives and to change things. Then, you start, and you realize that you are human, and you can only do so much. You want to address every problem, nip every bad behavior in the bud, and spend some personal time getting to know every student so they know how insanely deeply you actually care about them and their futures. But you simply can't. Then, you begin to feel guilty because you have chosen some students over the others, wondering if you made the right decision. And eventually... you just feel absolutely drained and confused. How do you choose? How much can you expect from yourself? How much can you really expect from them, coming from the environments that they do? How do you find that balance?

I remember my first year.. crying sooo many times. In fact, I remember watching the news in June and hearing about one of the students from my old school in the Bronx and crying for an hour. Mostly, I cried because I felt like no matter what I did, these students never had a chance... no positive examples, no encouragement... what hope is there? Man I cried that first year. I should have had a water bed.

I remember my friend Linda said during her hopspital work as a pharmacist that someone told her something about that he thinks of it like if the emergency pharmacy team is called in, the patient is basically dead, but if you are able to keep them alive, you have accomplished something. If you lose them, they are the same as they would have been without you. I think you kind of have to think of these kids that way also.

But really... you need to be patient. And I can't just tell them that and have them understand. So many little victories are happening everyday. If the kids aren't cursing, slapping each other, or doing whatever else they normally do outside school, you are already winning because you have broken them from their societal norms of acceptable behaviors. If they are calling you Mr. or Ms, you have a victory, because they are showing respect for an adult. They are all victories, of far greater magnitude than memorizing some formula or applying some rule. Changing lives is not visible, and especially not quantifiable. It isn't until parent teacher conferences, or until the spring when you really start to recognize how much each student is changing. Not in two or three weeks!!!!

Ugh.... but I don't know how to let them know that. Mom... Arzy... any advice?

Blah...

I feel kind of blah lately. I'm just soooo tired all the time. I mean, not sooo tired like I used to be, but tired enough that Im coming home and sleeping at least two or three hours a night. I know the problem too, that's the most annoying part. I don't eat at all while I am at work, so by the end of the day I'm drained of energy. I knew I needed to be eating, but it didn't really dawn on me until one of the new teachers today asked me what period I take my lunch and I said "Oh i dont." He laughed, and I just stood there thinking "Way to follow your own advice, Jenn." However - I have been taking my own advice by eating oatmeal in the mornings. I feel better on oatmeal days than I do on egg and toast days. That 1/3 cup of oatmeal really packs a punch that gets me through the day.

Now, lets discuss television. I am so excited for the season premiere of Everwood. I know, I know. Usually my posts are so much deeper or at least of some relevance to something other than popular culture, but whatever. I'm not in grad school anymore, so I can be honest about my couch time vegetation activities. The only problem is that before, the TV was a form of procrastination. Now... it's just who I am. Time to admit it. I'm a couch potato (insert Idaho jokes here).

The real thing Im excited for - to see Eric... but I cant talk about that all the time. So, the other things Im excited for - Season premiere of Everwood, Season premiere of Smallville, and Season premiere of One Tree Hill. Yes, that's right - teeny bopper, 2005 version of Saved By the Bell. I love it. So a 16 year old got emancipated from his parents and got married.... yes, maybe a little unrealistic. So what?? Love it.

Self talking - Go do something productive, Jenny!!!

ok.....

Unacceptable!!!

I think I may be starting to get sick. Nooooo!!!!! Next weekend is like the most important weekend of my life SINCE I WAS BORN!! Okay, maybe not sooo important, but I would like to feel well. A crowd of non-english speakers, the mountains, an awkard car ride and some karaoke... Who wouldnt want to be on their A-game? But wait!!! Maybe... with a sore throat, the karaoke will at least once and for all be eliminated from the list. Eureka!! I mean, aw, shucks. And I soooo wanted to sing for his family.

Work is still good. Ive been in meetings a bunch lately, but today's was awesome. The whole morning was how to support new teachers in your building. A lot of the things suggested, I am already doing. There were quite a few Ooohhs and Aaaahhs from the other coaches and the facilitator when I mentioned emails....... Oh yes... that's right... Using email as a form of communication!!! New York is so cutting edge!

Humidity

I cannot stand humidity. I went to the gym yesterday, came home, and thought, "Why bother showering? Five minutes later I will be sticky and gross again." I don't know if the air is actually stickier humid in New York, but it feels like it. When I was in Miami last summer, the humidity level was very high, but I don't remember feeling as much like the humidity contained elements of stick and grime. But maybe it is my NYC animosity that inclines me to assume the worst of the humidity here. Regardless, yesterday, at 1 am, it was still between 75 and 80 degrees and extremely humid. Yuck!!! I deal with it better than when I first moved here though. Now I dont feel like severing a finger or something to distract me from it. I simply just sit.... very still... and try not to think about it.

What to say...

I have sooo many things that I want to blog!! No, really!! Part of why I havent been blogging more is because sooo many things are going on. My job is awesome. I am really enjoying working with the new teachers. Like I told someone, "they are cuter than new students." All so idealistic and mildly neurotic. It is great. But I really feel like I am making an impact on the world too. It is still a weird feeling when a "model lesson" needs to be taught, and Im the person who does it. But, that is my job now. I always wanted to be a model. Hahaha. And that agent said I was too short. Pbbtthh!! Haha.

More exciting, we are in the final stretch with Eric's coming to america process. Which, I must say, really is quite a process. I told my mom that I dont know how someone could do this if it wasnt an American and a foreigner working together. For the student visa, he first had to be accepted somewhere, which required an application fee. Then, he had to get an appointment with the Embassy. To TALK TO SOMEONE to make the appointment, you have to pay 24 dollars by credit card. Then, to actually go to the appointment, you have to pay another fee at a Banco Provincial in Venezuela in bolivares, plus the student database registration fee online, plus another fee at the embassy to actually send you the visa and your passport. Some with credit cards, some online, some in Bs. What a mess!!!

But, we are almost done. We have all the school stuff done, and the appointment with the embassy for October 6. So, if all goes well, he will be here November 8 and stay until April. Yay, here for my birthday!! yay!! What a present! haha. For all you people out there who will need to meet him, give your stamp of approval or whatever, start scheduling it in. You know who you are.

A Happy Birthday Tribute!!

Today is Eric's birthday!!! Happy Birthday, Eric!!!

And truly, I am very happy that on 8 September, 1981 Eric Daniel Quintero Aponte was born, so that 24 years later, I would know him. haha, well, 24 years a few thousand miles later.

Now, I can just hope that maybe for his next birthday, I can actually be with him! But still, Happy Birthday!

(it's not fungus on his face - makeup from one of the kids on the trip, no worries.)

I deserve my license

My adult license, that is. Okay, I don't actually have a slip, but at some point we all either earn, or establish that we will never earn, our license to be considered a functional adult member of society.

Of course, there is the new job. I have an office, with TONS of bookshelves and meeting space. I will be getting a SmartBoard and a work laptop. Every day, I send a supportive email to the department with activity suggestions or other helpful information. I have 17 teachers in the (math) department. 8 are new. 6 of the 17 are special ed teachers. Today was the first day with students, and my teachers, especially the new ones, were prepared. They had activities, markers, procedures - all prepared.

I am going to like this job.

There are a couple of other ways I feel adult. The second is my relationship with Eric. I will be meeting his family in a few weeks (October 1-5) in Venezuela, and then if all goes well with the embassy and what not, he will be here in November. But all in all, having that person that I will be spending my life with just feels "adult" to me.

Last, my food. Danny and I cook all the time. Our kitchen is as close to the Jetson's as it can be by shopping at Target. Rice cooker, cappuccino machine, crock pot, mixer, etc. Today's meal really is what earned me my adult license though. This morning, into the crock pot went 3 pounds of beef, carrots, onions, and then later squash. Mmmm. We eat gooood here. (Since we've seen pot roast, I've included a picture of VZ ground beef that Danny prepared a couple days ago.)

So, after living on my own in New York city for two years and traveling on my own to South America twice in six months, I finally have fully earned my adult license. yay!!

What a looker!! 

Mi Vida Nueva

Well, I am back and finally stationary (until Friday when I will go camping, haha). After a month of mission work, a few days in Boise, a few weeks in Idaho Falls and an almost 3000 mile drive to new york from Idaho, I am stopped. I started going in to my new work this week. I think I will like this job. I will post more details later, but essentially I am supervising math instruction at a middle school. I have an office and a desk instead of a classroom now. It is neat and I feel like a grown up.

My friend Danny moved into the apartment. He is my swell Venezuelan/Canadian pal that I have known for almost a year. We commiserate about being new New Yorkers and the state of the world. And he cooks, which is always nice.

I have my car also, so I feel free again. I hate to be dependent on it, but I must say it felt good to go shopping for groceries and not be limited by transportation troubles.

The plans are still in the works for Eric to be coming from Venezuela to stay with Danny and I for a few months and study English here. I am probably the most excited about this. I think he will be great fun to have here and actually spending time with him in a non-structured environment will be good.

My cousin had her baby, beautiful Taylyn, and started college. Spending so much time with her this summer was good for the soul.

All in all, I feel refreshed and invigorated. New car, living situation, job, friends, guy, and renewed faith. I even painted part of my bedroom yellow for a little spice.

And....

best of all...

.....

.....

¡¡¡¡¡¡I AM DONE WITH COLLEGE!!!!!!!

For the first year of my life, I will not be going to school!!! No night classes, no more City College commute - nada, nunca.... ¡¡¡BUENO!!! ¡¡¡Finalmente!!

Keep in touch with me!! I have time - finally!