Back to your roots...

Well, here I am back in idaho falls. I was here this summer for a month, then thanksgiving, and again now for the Christmas break. It's weird being here sometimes. Actually, it isn't. It is weird being here with Eric though. When Im in New York, everything is always like a dream when I come back to Idaho. I watch movies and I see the Empire State building, or a subway or something, and I feel like I have had a really long dream for two and a half years where I live in that city. And now, I have Eric in my life. Before I went to venezuela, my focus was on my new job, being active in my church, getting the heck out of New York, and possibly getting a phD. Now.... oh my. None of those things seem so important now. The job is a job. The church is still an important part of my life but my attendance at every function isnt integral to my (or their) survival. I don't know where I will be living for the next few years, and I've waved goodbye to the phD. At least for awhile. PLUS... my budget has completely shifted and Im not the center of my own world anymore.

But really, I know all of this. It isn't new to me. But it isn't completely real to me either. I just can't believe it. I can sit here, listening to Eric and my mom talking in the living room, hearing her voice that is probably more familiar to me than my own, and his now familiar voice with it's Latin accent, and I just don't believe it. It is like the New York dream that I am living now travels with me. It is sort of like when you dream that you are wetting the bed and then you wake up and you actually are. I feel like when Im in New york, it is this dream life, then I come to Idaho, to my real life, and when Eric is still with me here, it hits me that Im not actually dreaming.

Im not complaining or anything. I love Eric and although every single person I know has been totally worried about how this whole crazy love-scheme would play out, Im still happy with all of the decisions that we have made. Definitely, in the last few months, I have become more of an adult. I guess that's the weird part - the realization that there is no turning back. I find myself having odd longings for my high school days, or for college. Maybe it is the simplicity, the lack of bills, the familiarity and clear set of goals. I dont know. My future now is unimaginable to me. I can imagine, in theory, growing up, getting a job, getting married, having a family, etc, etc. But I have strayed from that basic plan so far now that I can't picture where I am going with my life.

I've always functioned on goals. Now, I don't really have any. It's just so weird. Or maybe it's just growing up that's weird.

Viewing audience - you are all about the same age as me. What are your thoughts? Is anyone else having a bit of a pre-midlife reevaluation/freak out? Give me your input.

Ugh....

I probably shouldn't post at 8 am on a Saturday, because Im more inclined to be whiney in the mornings and in the evenings, but oh well. First of all, I really am sorry that Im not keeping up on my blog a little better. Or with the phone... or with my emails... My days don't have enough hours right now. Between working extra and having to drive everywhere, and then having more responsibilities at home, I'm exhausted. That pretty much sums me up right now - exhausted. It's one of those times where the list of things i want to get done is much bigger than the list of things that actually gets done every day. Oh, and Im sick. That's why Im whinier in the morning and evenings because my throat hurts so much during those times. I don't mind being sick so much when I dont have a fever or body aches, but its just annoying. Especially when you live with someone who needs clear, detailed explanations for things and the last thing my throat wants is for me to use anything more than two word phrases.

Im going back to Idaho for Christmas. It's one of those mixed excitements. I am excited to be back in Idaho and spend time with the family. But, like most years since Ive lived in NY, I am not excited for Christmas. I dont really have the time, energy, or desire to go do any Christmas shopping, and without the giving part, theres nothing to Christmas for me. Getting stuff is cool, but it isnt what its all about. But, at least this year Eric will be there and it will be his first Christmas in the US, so it should be a little more fun. Katy has her baby also, so the new members should add a little kick to the holidays.

So... that's where Im at in life. Tired. But, at the same time, theres a certain peace to everything. I feel like everything around me is moving fast and I have nothing to do with it, but I also feel like it is all going in the right direction. So, que sera sera.