Back to your roots...

Well, here I am back in idaho falls. I was here this summer for a month, then thanksgiving, and again now for the Christmas break. It's weird being here sometimes. Actually, it isn't. It is weird being here with Eric though. When Im in New York, everything is always like a dream when I come back to Idaho. I watch movies and I see the Empire State building, or a subway or something, and I feel like I have had a really long dream for two and a half years where I live in that city. And now, I have Eric in my life. Before I went to venezuela, my focus was on my new job, being active in my church, getting the heck out of New York, and possibly getting a phD. Now.... oh my. None of those things seem so important now. The job is a job. The church is still an important part of my life but my attendance at every function isnt integral to my (or their) survival. I don't know where I will be living for the next few years, and I've waved goodbye to the phD. At least for awhile. PLUS... my budget has completely shifted and Im not the center of my own world anymore.

But really, I know all of this. It isn't new to me. But it isn't completely real to me either. I just can't believe it. I can sit here, listening to Eric and my mom talking in the living room, hearing her voice that is probably more familiar to me than my own, and his now familiar voice with it's Latin accent, and I just don't believe it. It is like the New York dream that I am living now travels with me. It is sort of like when you dream that you are wetting the bed and then you wake up and you actually are. I feel like when Im in New york, it is this dream life, then I come to Idaho, to my real life, and when Eric is still with me here, it hits me that Im not actually dreaming.

Im not complaining or anything. I love Eric and although every single person I know has been totally worried about how this whole crazy love-scheme would play out, Im still happy with all of the decisions that we have made. Definitely, in the last few months, I have become more of an adult. I guess that's the weird part - the realization that there is no turning back. I find myself having odd longings for my high school days, or for college. Maybe it is the simplicity, the lack of bills, the familiarity and clear set of goals. I dont know. My future now is unimaginable to me. I can imagine, in theory, growing up, getting a job, getting married, having a family, etc, etc. But I have strayed from that basic plan so far now that I can't picture where I am going with my life.

I've always functioned on goals. Now, I don't really have any. It's just so weird. Or maybe it's just growing up that's weird.

Viewing audience - you are all about the same age as me. What are your thoughts? Is anyone else having a bit of a pre-midlife reevaluation/freak out? Give me your input.