Recovering
Today, as I was walking home, I thought about what I would have for dinner. I saw a sushi place and I thought, "Maybe I will order in Sushi later tonight." But then I got a sore spot in my heart because of memories associated with sushi, and realized that I just couldn't do it. It's funny how months after a traumatic experience you still have associations between things and a person that disable you from being able to enjoy those things again. Until a couple of weeks ago, if I listened to any Christian rock, which is probably my favorite genre of music, I broke into tears. I am finally able to handle that again though. I started playing my guitar again this week. Well, actually it is his guitar, but I played it nonetheless. I cannot make myself use my starbucks water bottles yet though.
Then, I walked past one of the many jewelry shops in my neighborhood and thought about going in and asking if they had a ring that fit the description of mine. Then I realized that they probably do because it is just a simple diamond in a plain white gold band. I would never know if it was mine.
The viola though, I would recognize. Until that moment, I had sort of thought of the viola as having just vanished into thin air. For the first time, I realized that it still exists somewhere. Someone has it somewhere, and that someone just isn't me. It may be at some pawn shop, it may be being played, but it is somewhere probably within 5 miles of me. I just don't have it anymore. That made me much sadder than when I had just thought that it didn't exist anymore.
But I am still not angry. I haven't been angry through any of this. Its been going on for months now. Everything took the nose dive almost 3 months ago, but the chaos has been more like 5 or 6 months. Everything is good now though. I have great friends, near and far, a wonderful job, and I feel safe going outside again. I don't feel like I was victimized though. I feel like someone that I cared about passed away. Basically, that IS what happened, only he is still alive somewhere. I find it hard not to call his work, just to see if he still works there, or to call his cell phone, just to see if he still has it. Sometimes I want to call his mom, to ask how he is doing, or his kids to say Im so sorry. When I spoke to the DA, I wanted to ask how he is, or if she thinks he is doing all right, but I stop myself. It's time to recover.
Then, I walked past one of the many jewelry shops in my neighborhood and thought about going in and asking if they had a ring that fit the description of mine. Then I realized that they probably do because it is just a simple diamond in a plain white gold band. I would never know if it was mine.
The viola though, I would recognize. Until that moment, I had sort of thought of the viola as having just vanished into thin air. For the first time, I realized that it still exists somewhere. Someone has it somewhere, and that someone just isn't me. It may be at some pawn shop, it may be being played, but it is somewhere probably within 5 miles of me. I just don't have it anymore. That made me much sadder than when I had just thought that it didn't exist anymore.
But I am still not angry. I haven't been angry through any of this. Its been going on for months now. Everything took the nose dive almost 3 months ago, but the chaos has been more like 5 or 6 months. Everything is good now though. I have great friends, near and far, a wonderful job, and I feel safe going outside again. I don't feel like I was victimized though. I feel like someone that I cared about passed away. Basically, that IS what happened, only he is still alive somewhere. I find it hard not to call his work, just to see if he still works there, or to call his cell phone, just to see if he still has it. Sometimes I want to call his mom, to ask how he is doing, or his kids to say Im so sorry. When I spoke to the DA, I wanted to ask how he is, or if she thinks he is doing all right, but I stop myself. It's time to recover.
posted by Jennifer Q @ 8:31 PM
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